You own everything that happens to you

I like this quote –

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better. Anne Lamott

You own everything that happened to you…so tell your story.

Here I am I today, not really telling but asking. It might be too heavy to have so many questions but it’s something that I just need to get off my chest. And if I ask, even if I don’t get any answers, I might just feel a little better.

Have I asked for too much, am I too demanding? Am I not good enough?

Am I too quiet or too noisy? I think I know the answer to that, I’m too quiet, if I speak my mind it will just be met with disapproval.

It is always my fault, it has always been, I’m always the bad one. When I was a child I was lazy and stupid. Now I’m just wrong!

Different people show depression differently, I prefer to withdraw and stew in my negativity. See I had negative thoughts and comments for breakfast every day, since birth, so the taste is still there.

I have friends, but no one that I really confide in. I mean I will tell one person one thing, the second thing will be told to someone else close enough and the rest of it is all mine. And so I am lonely and friendless if you can call it that.

And then I wonder what will everyone say about me when I have died? Will you change for me then? Will you make that one simple thing for me without any blackmail and without expecting something in return? Will you even say anything about me? It’s best not too. It’s too late then. I won’t see it and won’t be here to appreciate it and to smile about it. So stay the way you are don’t change a till or comma I am really not worth it anyway.

So every year without fail there are two months in the year that I question my whole existence. Why am I still here? When is my day coming? And it’s here, that questionable month again, is here now, asking me, why? Carbon copy of last year *sigh*

I have made this my own – this is for me –

You own everything that happened to you. If people wanted you to think warmly about them, they should have behaved better. If you wanted people to think warmly about you, you should have been better! You own everything that has happened to you.

Agh I know this is so random, and ugly and sad, but I just wanted to let it go….it’s for me